How vs. Why

I received an email from Nadine of Keizer, Oregon. She wrote, "I never have a relationship that lasts more than six months because I get bored. I want to stay excited about my partner, but I don't. Why do you think I get bored?"

You're repeating the same process over and over again. That's good news because processes are easy to change—it’s simply a matter of how.

Asking how you do something is almost always more effective than asking why. The how focuses on the process, and the why focuses on excuses to justify your current behavior.

Most of the time, humans come to me with a "why" story. For example, "I never have a relationship that lasts more than six months because I get bored, and I don’t know why." Immediately, I know that they've been asking themselves "why" for a while before contacting me.

When you ask why questions, you instruct your mind to search for reasons you continue to do what you do. You get answers such as "you're bad at relationships," "you're not lovable," or "there just aren't any exciting humans in this town."

Do you need to know why?

Answer: No, you don't.

Instead of asking "why," ask "how."

Here are some questions you could ask yourself instead of “Why?”...

• How do I get bored with my partners? (This allows you to make some changes to prevent getting bored.)

• How can I keep our relationship exciting?

• How can I talk to my partner about the way I'm feeling?

• How can I spice things up?

• How can I focus on other qualities of my relationships that are just as important as excitement?

By asking how questions, you move in a positive direction and discover solutions that you may not have imagined before.

In other words, stop thinking of excuses and begin coming up with solutions.