What’s Your Intention?

Beth from Sandpoint, Idaho emailed me about her boyfriend. Beth wrote, "My boyfriend has been in seven fist fights at bars since we started dating three years ago. He's always been good to me. When I ask him why he keeps starting fights, he says it's never his intention to fight. How can I get him to stop picking fights?"

My first thought was, "Stop going to bars." I tend to begin with the easiest solution. I think Beth, however, was asking for a bit more from me.

Here's my longer answer...

There is a positive intention motivating every behavior and a context in which every behavior has value.

In other words, whatever a human does has a positive intent… it's "good" for them in that particular moment in time and circumstance. BUT (notice the big BUT) what does "good" mean? "Good" means anything that seems good (AKA useful) to them that falls within their beliefs, values, intellect, and rationale.

Charles Manson, murderous 1960's cult leader, explained that the murders began due to a botched drug deal during which money was stolen. Manson told his cult members, "Now we gotta fend for ourselves because the Black Panthers are going to kill us." Subsequent murders happened to continue the coverup and keep his cult members alive.

So, yes, Charles Manson had a positive intent for what he did; within context, he believed it was the right thing to do.

Of course, Charles Manson is an extreme case study. Let's take a human who has obsessive-compulsive behavior and must check the locks on the windows multiple times before leaving the house. In many cases, these humans check the windows until it "just feels right." To put it another way, they check the windows until they feel good about it. Other humans check the windows precisely 27 times (or whatever number they settle on) because it makes them feel good. In regards to context, if this same human had to leave the house in an emergency such as a fire, this specific context makes checking the windows even once unnecessary and not even a part of their thought process.

NOTE: I have found that most humans who present with this type of behavior are searching for a feeling. It's not about the number of times the windows are checked or how often hands are washed or whatever. My recommendation is not to attempt fewer repetitions for a week and a few less the next week and so on. Instead, these humans need to learn how to feel differently when they find themselves in these moments. By learning to experience the feeling they ultimately want, the repetitions will go away. Give them a better way to get what they want… their positive intent.

Let's take one more example… A human who presents with social anxiety. The behaviors that they currently use have a positive intent. Perhaps their positive intent is to keep from being rejected. By not interacting with other humans, no one can reject them. Maybe they are afraid that they will be viewed as stupid if they say something wrong. These are both reasonable beliefs that they hold, and the social anxiety keeps them from experiencing the negative feelings that come with those possibilities. In a different context, such as a child getting lost in a department store, a parent with social anxiety will not hesitate to walk up to 100 humans to ask if they have seen their child.

Let's take a case from my practice... smoking cessation.

I had a client who smoked because it made her "feel good."—the deep breathing, socializing with others, and feeling part of a group. Using hypnosis to make cigarettes taste bad or explaining how cigarettes negatively affect different organs in her body wouldn't have worked.

I used an approach designed to build up the feeling she had when she took those deep breaths, socialized with her friends, and felt like she was part of a group laughing and having a great time. I then helped her enhance that feeling to extreme levels until she exhibited physical signs of laughing and being very happy.

I then linked that feeling to not reaching for a cigarette when she had the urge to light up. If she did put a cigarette in her mouth, that feeling immediately went away. I didn't make her feel bad, but she did feel the loss of that great feeling if a cigarette hit her lips. My experience is that humans will choose what feels better. She decided to have an amazing feeling more and more of the time, and she has been a non-smoker for over ten years now.

Bottom line, discovering the positive intent and finding better ways to satisfy that positive intent is the key.

So, Beth, I recommend sitting down with your boyfriend at a neutral moment—not the day after he has a fight. Help him by asking questions. (This is not an interrogation.) The key is for him to recognize what he feels just before he decides to start a fight. What does he want to accomplish? How can he get what he wants without fighting? In other words, what's his positive intent?

Help your boyfriend find ways (other than fighting) to satisfy his positive intent... and keep him out of bars. If he doesn't think he has a problem, perhaps you should think about what's best for you.