Being Yourself Is Not Your Best Idea
“Just be yourself, and everything will be fine.”
I cannot count the number of times I have heard this advice given by a well-meaning friend to someone apprehensive about communicating with another human being.
This is the worst advice you can give to someone.
Let's face the cold hard fact that you would not be reading this article if you were certain that "just being yourself" was good enough to land a date with a human being you find attractive. An even colder and harder fact is that you would probably already be in a relationship if being yourself was good enough.
“In this world, you’re either growing or you’re dying, so get in motion and grow.” —Lou Holtz
The good news is that you can grow, gain new life skills, and achieve more just by expanding your comfort zone. Each time you expand your comfort zone, you change who you are as a human being.
Growing up in a rural Ohio town, my comfort zone was tiny. I decided I needed to do something about that or live a regret-filled life. So I made a rule that I still live by today — Say "yes" to any new experience that comes my way that has less than a 30% chance of killing me or landing me in jail.
Recently, I temporarily forgot my own rule.
I was contacted by a theater company hosting a fundraiser to earn the funds to improve their facilities. I was asked to perform improv comedy in front of 400 people. I politely explained that I do not perform improv comedy and that they would have to find someone else.
After hanging up the telephone, I realized I had broken my rule — performing improv would not kill me or land me in jail. It began to bother me that I didn't say "yes."
I called the group a couple of days later to tell them I was in.
I have performed my 90-minute, one-man show for audiences of 45,000 without breaking a sweat. Still, even the thought of performing one minute of improv in front of 400 people made me nervous. I knew that this was undoubtedly going to expand my comfort zone.
I took a few improv classes to learn the basics before stepping out on that stage in front of 400 people. The show went very well! I went from being terrified only two months before to "Hey, let's do that again!"
Always Be Growing!
Since you are still reading this article, I assume you are not happy with the results you are getting regarding dating. I imagine you have had a series of unsuccessful interactions with humans you thought may be relationship candidates.
You may have found it challenging to meet someone (anyone) who would say "yes" to a first date. Whatever your situation, let's break you out of your comfort zone.
“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” —Origin Debated
As a dating consultant, I focus on helping humans get through the first three dates. I have found that the first three dates are critical to the creation of a long-term (even life-long) relationship. We are not, however, even talking about date number one at this point. Right now, we are focusing on what humans look for in a mate that causes them to agree to that first date.
Let's Talk to the Men First! (Men Need to Work Harder Than the Women.)
There are two critical traits that make you attractive to women that you must focus on and master to improve your dating success.
Confidence
Humor
Men who are confident and funny have a much higher rate of success when it comes to landing a date with a human being who they find attractive. (WARNING: Excessive confidence and humor can make you a dick!)
Let's talk about these traits and how you can master each.
Confidence
Confidence is a belief in yourself that you can meet life's challenges and succeed and act in a way that communicates that belief. Confidence is not something you are born with — it is an ability that can be created and improved over time.
Here is a great exercise to create and build your confidence. Practice this exercise several times a day until you have internalized confidence as an everyday mode of operating and can summon it on demand.
Stand up.
Imagine a circle 3 feet in diameter on the floor approximately 6 feet away from you.
In that circle, create a version of you who is confident. See how that confident you looks, how that confident you breathes, how that confident you moves, how that confident you stands, how that confident you speaks, et cetera. Take your time. Notice every detail of that confident you that you created.
When you feel like you have created the best version of that confident you standing in that circle, walk over to that circle and step into that confident you. As you step into that version of you, take on the posture of that you, the movements of that you, the voice of that you, every aspect of that you.
Stand there feeling confident for as long as you want as you notice that confidence flow through you. Let your mind and your body internalize that feeling.
Repeat!
The more you run through this exercise, the more confidence you will build, and the better you will be able to do confidence. I write "do confidence" because you learn to do confidence.
You can use this exercise whenever you need a boost of confidence. For example, I use it every time I am about to step on stage.
I imagine the confident me on stage behind the microphone. Then, when I walk on stage, I step into that confident me I created.
You can do this too!
Imagine that confident you standing in front of the human being you want to talk to, and when you have created that confident you, walk over and step into that you.
Another time to use this exercise is when you walk into a room. Before walking through the door, imagine that confident you just inside the room. Now step into that confident you. Humans will notice you entering the room because your body language will broadcast confidence, and humans gravitate toward others who exude confidence.
In addition to the exercise you just learned, start to implement these behaviors.
When asked a question, answer it.
For example, if someone asks you where you want to eat, give them a specific place instead of saying, "Oh, I don't care. Where do you want to eat?"
Keep from being bombastic. Confident humans do not have to go over the top.
Speak with certainty, take a side, and stand for something.
Dress in a way that makes you feel confident.
Be assertive, not aggressive — aggressiveness is not confidence; it is being a dick.
Humor
When I conduct seminars for salespeople, I have a sales rule — "If you can make them laugh, you can get them to buy."
Humans like to be around others who can make them laugh. With that said, never get a laugh at someone else's expense. (Remember the rule of not being a dick.)
Like confidence, you are not born with the ability to be funny — you must learn to be funny.
I am a big fan of standup comedy and frequent comedy clubs. I opened a comedy club on Hilton Head Island where I performed my show and brought comedians in several nights every week. My persona on and off stage changed dramatically during that time. Watching professional comedians perform several nights weekly, I developed the skills necessary to make people laugh.
Here is a list of great ways to develop your humor.
Watch comedy either live or on video. Watch a lot of it and notice how comedians speak as well as how they use silence. Notice how they structure their stories to lead you in a particular direction that ends differently than you imagined.
Look for the "funny" in everyday life. As a daily exercise, begin to find tragic headlines in the world news that you can turn into something funny. This sounds morbid, but when you look at a devastating headline and discover the funny in that devastation, you will develop your sense of humor and relieve stress and anxiety about the devastation. You begin to become your own therapist.
Learn some appropriate jokes to fall back on.
Develop funny stories from your life or ones you can make funny. By doing this, you can give humans a glimpse of your life while making them laugh simultaneously.
Listen to others who you think are funny.
Be witty, not silly.
Be funny, not mean.
Now Let's Talk to the Women (Women Have It a Lot Easier!)
Men are attracted to a woman's physical appearance. And we're done. Men are easy.
Here's what you can do to help them.
Traditionally, men have been responsible for walking up to a woman to start a conversation. The problem is that 80% of men are terrified to do just that. The other 20% of men are the jerks who give you lame pickup lines.
Do men a favor, Ladies. If you see a human you want to meet, make eye contact and wave at him. This makes it easier for men to walk over.
Due to the 20% of creeps that approach women, women have developed defense mechanisms. (I would too, Ladies.) So, please keep in mind that 80% of men are not creeps. Give them a chance to have a conversation with you.
Men, you do have to put time into mastering confidence and humor. And Ladies, help men relax a bit by making eye contact and giving them a little wave.
These skills will pay off big and help you to land that first date with the human being who ends up being the one you spend the rest of your life with.
As Red told Andy Dufresne, "Get busy living or get busy dying."
