Let's "Not" Put up a Wall
When it comes to humans, I feel safe saying that most are looking for another human to romantically connect with. This article is for those who are in a committed relationship as well. When humans are in a relationship, many of them stop doing the things that initially attracted their partner. Dating your partner keeps the fun and passion in your relationship. This series will help you find your human or keep the human that you found years ago very happy.
As I write this article, Earth is locked down and every human should be practicing social distancing due to COVID-19; and yes, the question you have in your mind right now is a very good one. Why is Bill writing about dating when dating would optimally break the social distancing rule of six feet?
Great question!
It is actually the perfect time to focus on dating because there is no immediate pressure on you to go out and practice what you are going to learn. Learn what you need to do while in the comfort and safety of your own home without the fear of having to practice on a real-life human who you find attractive… yet. You have some time to rehearse in the mirror, practice on your cat, or enlist the help of a roommate to play the part of the attractive human.
Before we get into the lesson, I should tell you what qualifies me as an expert in the realm of dating.
I went through a few challenges early on in life. Until I was a Freshman in high school, most of my fellow classmates thought my name was "Barry". At that time I went by "Billy" and attended speech therapy three times a week. No one could understand me… at least, not correctly.
As I entered high school, my inability to clearly communicate put a damper on many parts of my life, including dating. Even though my speech was improving by the time I was 15, the shot to my self-esteem left me making eye contact with the sidewalk whenever a pretty girl passed; and the idea of standing in front of the class to deliver a 30-second speech terrified me. I was afraid that I would stumble over my words, say the wrong thing, or get laughed back to my desk. This did not stop in high school. I carried these challenges with me through college and well into my twenties.
I did not have women throwing themselves at me, and I surely did not know how to strike up a conversation with a female… especially if I found her even slightly attractive. During my second year of college, I ended up marrying the first girl who showed interest in me. I was married for 12 years. I never had to meet women or figure out how to build a connection with them... until I got divorced. Overnight, I was thrown into the reality that I had no idea what I was doing when it came to women.
I had to figure this part of my life out or end up like many of the other guys that I knew who eventually threw their hands up and lamented, "I can't believe this is happening to me." Frustration set in, and they settled for who came along first instead of who they wanted. Settling to me meant a living death because I had been there, done that. I listened to friends complain about feeling stuck and knowing deep down that their life could be so much better… but what do you do about it?
I went on a journey to find the answers that eluded me and the life skills that I had not developed over the first 33 years as a human being.
With a lot of networking and being in the right places at the right times, I had the privilege to find several mentors who were the best in the world at what they did. Not to bore you with the details, but the concept of constant and never-ending improvement was drilled into my mind day after day.
It was not easy to do, but I made a commitment to myself and to my mentors to master the areas of my life that needed attention. This meant thousands of hours of reading books, listening to audio programs, watching videos, sitting in seminars, and experimenting in the real world with what I was learning.
There were three areas that I focused on, and each had a common denominator: Social Skills.
The three areas were…
Becoming the most interesting person in the room,
Learning to ethically influence and persuade others, and
How to meet and attract women.
I studied with the top experts in each of these areas. I took what I learned and practiced in countless situations. I refined it into a system that worked for me and that I teach today.
I became an expert on how individuals communicate and predictably act within a group (two or more people) as well as the overall dynamic of groups. I began to notice things that made no sense when I thought them through in my mind but worked reliably in the setting of a social interaction. I realized that many things are not overtly logical; because let’s face it, humans are not logical most of the time.
What I am about to tell you is not meant to impress you; it is meant to impress upon you the impact that mastering these areas have had on my life. I have dated some amazing women. I have dated models. I have dated a television star. I have dated women that I met at bookstores and coffee shops. Here is what I learned…
Dating does not guarantee happiness. It is not the answer to your problems.
What changes your life is knowing that you can meet humans and create attraction within them anytime, anywhere; because you have developed the self-confidence and a way of interacting with the world that others immediately notice.
This expands to all areas of your life. For me, my social network went from consisting of a handful of people to thousands, and it continues to grow. My network looks to me for solid advice, and I have the privilege to have them as a resource when I need help myself.
It is sometimes hard for me to believe that I came from a place of not being able to deliver a 30-second talk in a high school classroom to delivering keynote talks and entertaining hundreds of thousands of people.
I do not have all the answers but I do know what has worked for me. I know what has worked for my clients. The odds are, it will work for you as well. Many people have benefited from what I teach, and I have attended their weddings.
If that is not good enough…
I have been a dating expert for two decades appearing on radio, television, and podcasts,
I work with matchmaking firms conducting seminars for their clients, and
I teach university courses on dating.
After three decades of studying and distilling this material down to what works, I feel that what I teach is among the best in the world. I measure my success and the success of my clients in terms of results. If all you have received is information from a program or coach, then you have lost 90% of the value.
Information PLUS Action is the key to changing your world... GET RESULTS.
Now, let’s talk about this wall that I mentioned in the title.
As humans, we take mental short cuts. In the world of psychology, this is called Generalization. Generalization is the tendency for humans to respond in the same way to different but similar stimuli. For example, you learned at some point in your young life to work a doorknob. From that first learning, your mind began to build a database of every doorknob that you encountered. The process of generalization took over, and now you can open any door without much thought. In other words, you do not have to learn how to open every individual door in the world. You just open the door.
Here is another example… Think about a time when you walked into a department store. As you are browsing for a new article of clothing, a sales associate walks up to you and asks, “May I help you?”
How do you answer?
Most people answer with some form of, “Just looking!”
This is an unconscious response that comes from your mind’s ability to generalize. You unconsciously deduced that “Just looking!” would get the majority of sales associates to turn and walk away. It does not matter the store or the associate; you have put them all into a mental bucket and deal with them the same way. Your mind is really good at doing this.
Let’s take another example… If you are like me, you have started to get more unsolicited phone calls over the last few years attempting to sell you the newest and greatest thing out on the market. These organizations have been calling people for decades, but they can now do it much faster and in massive volume using computers. About two years ago, I noticed that generalization kicked in for me and I no longer have the urge to answer unknown numbers when my phone rings. I hear my phone ring, look to see that it is not a number in my contacts list, and I silence the call without any anxiety.
When generalization begins to stifle important areas of your life, however, you must learn to recognize and change it.
Have you ever walked up to someone who you found attractive, and they immediately turned their back on you to stop the conversation before it started?
Have you heard the phrases, “I am here with my friends tonight to have a good time. Sorry!”
What about, “Not now!”
Perhaps they make you invisible and pretend that you are not right next to them.
In other words, someone has put up a wall. It is the equivalent of saying, “Just looking!”
Walls automatically go up due to conditioning and generalization. When you walk up to open a conversation with someone, it is not their fault if they immediately build a wall between them and you. They do not know you, and they begin to generalize you before you open your mouth. This applies to standing in line at a grocery store, waiting at Starbucks, or sitting next to an attractive human at a bar.
The most difficult part of opening a conversation is getting past the first two minutes. If you can make it past the two-minute mark without getting a wall built between you, then your odds have skyrocketed. All you have to do now is not say something stupid or offensive. Oh, and you have to be intriguing. (We will get to that in a later article.)
How to stop the wall from going up?
The short answer…
Stop doing and saying things that make people build walls.
The longer answer…
Be different!
I was brought in to conduct a seminar for a large, nationwide department store focusing on how to make more sales. Prior to the seminar, I spent two days covertly spying on the sales associates. It was clear that customers were really, really good at shutting down the sales associates. The sales associates did not have a chance and simply shuffled to the next customer to face another wall.
It was not because the sales associates did not want the sale, it was because they were not flexible enough. They were never taught how to keep that wall from going up. It was a simple solution… give the sales associates options that keep the wall away. The month following my seminar, their cumulative sales increased by 57%.
I simply taught them how to be different.
For example, I demonstrated with a real shopper while they watched on security cameras. In my pocket, I had a recorder so I could debrief them afterward. I walked up to the shopper and asked, “Did you remember to bring your wallet?”
The Shopper answered, “Umm… yes.”
I then asked, “Great! Are you paying cash or card today?”
The Shopper, “It depends on how much I buy.” (She then chuckled.)
I asked, “What is it that you came to buy?”
The Shopper, “I need a dress for my husband’s holiday party at work.”
I asked, “When is the party?”
The Shopper, “This weekend.”
I said, “Let me hook you up with an associate who can help you buy your dress.”
The Shopper, “That would be great!”
I then grabbed one of the associates who did indeed sell a dress (and shoes) that day. That dress was sold because I did not allow the shopper to generalize me. I did not use the words and phrases that put walls up. Instead, I came up with something that she was never asked before in a department store. She had no conditioned defense system against what I said.
You must be flexible enough to use words and body language that do not build that wall.
Examples…
Lean over to someone sitting next to you and ask, “Can I get your opinion on something?”
Have something that you want an opinion on before opening with this question.
Draw a tic-tac-toe board on a napkin, put an “X” in one of the squares, slide it over to someone, and say, “It’s your move.”
Be confident as you slide the game over and say “It’s your move.”
Write a note on the back of a business card or napkin and have someone give it to the person you would like to meet.
Do not be creepy! Give a compliment, and let them do the rest. They could walk over to you, or you could get a call from them days later.
If you have the opportunity to just catch them doing something embarrassing, use that.
“Did I just see you trip over an invisible rock?” (Say it playfully.)
Notice something that is genuinely unique about the person and compliment them on it.
Do not be rude! I typically notice pieces of jewelry or a tattoo.
My all-time favorite… Ask, “Do you like horses?”
I know this is way out in left field, but it is a question that they have not been asked before by a stranger. It will get a conversation going without a wall. You can come up with your own questions; I encourage you to.
Have fun with this. Brainstorm some ideas, be playful, and go out and practice on actual humans.
