Questions Are the Answer
The majority of communication seminars, books, videos, and podcasts that I have consumed all have one thing in common… how to communicate with other humans… as they should. They leave out, however, the most critical step of learning how to communicate…
Before you can effectively communicate with other humans, you must learn to effectively communicate with yourself.
When I take on a new client, I typically tell him to stop being concerned with talking to women until we get his inner game under control. Everything you learn about communication with other humans is useless if you can’t approach another human to use your new skill set.
Questions Are the Answer
The challenge that prompts most humans to contact me is their inability to approach another human whom they find attractive and start a conversation. When they notice an attractive human, a flood of questions begins to overwhelm their mind.
What am I going to say?
What if she has a boyfriend?
What if she has a husband?
What if she’s here with her friends?
What if she doesn’t like me?
What if she just wants to be left alone?
What is she going to think of me?
What if I trip walking over to her?
What if she throws a drink in my face?
What if she says, “Nope”?
What if I don’t like her after we talk?
What if I sound like a fool?
What if we talk for a while and she ditches me?
How will I start the conversation?
How am I going to keep the conversation moving if I do get one going?
What if I’m not her type?
Why would she like a guy like me?
Why would a woman like that be single?
Is she here by herself?
Is she straight?
Is she worth it?
Is she waiting for someone?
This is a small sample of the questions that my clients have shared with me. Do any of these sound familiar?
Part of my consulting when I am physically with a client (many clients are remote) is to take him out to public places and assist him in meeting other humans. I start by learning the strategy my client uses to psych himself out of approaching another human. When my client points out an attractive human he would like to talk to, I interrupt his old thought process and ask, “What questions are you asking yourself right now?”
If I can learn how my client communicates with himself and then duplicate the process, I can help him change his behavior by stopping the old thought process and installing a new one that supports what he wants to be able to do. Part of this process is helping my client develop new and better questions… questions that will move him toward confidently walking up to the attractive human he wants to meet instead of stopping him where he stands.
How can you do this on your own?
First, you have to be self-aware. You must recognize that when you see an attractive human that you would like to meet, you begin an unconscious process that stops you from approaching her. You must bring that process into your conscious awareness. To do this, take a moment and breathe when you feel this process start to happen. In other words, when you see an attractive human that you would like to meet; take a breath, and be aware of the questions you are asking yourself… but only for a moment, because I want you to take control of your mind.
I want you to begin asking questions in your mind that will get you moving in the right direction… the direction of that attractive human.
Here are a list of 9 questions that you can ask yourself instead of the questions that are limiting your actions. (NOTE: When you answer these questions, answer in a way that either pulls you towards taking action or pushes you away from inaction.)
How will I feel about myself if I don’t walk over and talk to her?
How great can I make her feel?
What can I do to make her really smile?
How great will this night turn out when we have an amazing conversation?
What will I miss out on if I don’t walk up to her and say, “Hi!”?
How much regret will I have tomorrow when I think about how I wimped out?
How proud will I be of myself for doing something that I once thought impossible?
What if I am the one she has been looking for?
What can I learn by walking over and having a conversation with her?
When you ask yourself questions such as these 9, it forces your mind to come up with answers instead of spiraling down a deep hole of what-ifs.
For example, when you ask yourself, “How great can I make her feel?”, your mind has to assume that you are going to have a conversation with her and make her feel great. It’s now a question of how great you can make her feel.
Let’s take another example, “How great will this night turn out when we have an amazing conversation?”... This question assumes that you are going to have an amazing conversation and that your night will turn out great. It’s just a question of how great.
Okay, one more example, “What can I do to make her really smile?”... This question assumes that you are going to approach her. It also assumes that you are going to make her smile. It’s now a question of how you are going to make her smile. Your mind is brainstorming ways to do just that.
Feel free to develop your own questions that help you become the human you want to be and overcome the challenges that have been limiting your dating options. These can apply to every aspect of the dating process. For example, suppose you have a script that your mind runs that says, “I can’t keep conversations going.” You could ask yourself, “How can I learn to start intriguing conversations and keep them going?”... and then brainstorm ways to help with this. You could join your local Toastmasters, read a book on how to communicate with other humans, or ask a friend who is great at keeping conversations going to help you with this challenge.
I only accept a client if they have these three beliefs already in place…
Something must change.
I must change it.
I can change it.
If you have these three beliefs in place, you are ready to make a change. Sit down, develop empowering questions that move you towards your goal, and make the change. The best time to start is now!
