What To Say First
In February 2020, I wrote an article titled How to Start a Conversation With Anyone Anywhere. That article focused on how to overcome hesitation and fear when approaching a stranger.
The article you're about to read has a similar theme but a different focus—the first seven seconds of the interaction. Think of these two articles as a crash course on starting conversations.
I'm an influence and persuasion junky. Being an expert in the field, I consume as much information on the subject as possible. This week, I viewed a YouTube video in which Chase Hughes was one of the presenters. Chase is the author of the #1 Bestselling book on behavior profiling, persuasion, and influence, The Ellipsis Manual. I learned about Chase through his book and have been a fan for some time.
Chase mentioned that he primes his subjects by asking questions. When discussing influence and persuasion, priming refers to the initial words you utter, how you say them, and the way you carry yourself. Essentially, it's your first impression. The first impression sets the stage for the rest of the interaction. If you fail to gain their attention and pique their interest, everything else that follows is likely to fail—or at least, be minimally effective.
Chase said he asked questions immediately. He explained, and I'm paraphrasing, that his theory is based on the electrochemical aspect of the "ancient" brain and how this contributes to influence and persuasion. You can view Chase's explanation at this link... https://youtu.be/1sNfyGLFAOs.
I agree that asking questions immediately upon starting a conversation has great value. However, I have a different theory. (Of course, I'm coming from a hypnosis point of view.) Let me explain with a couple of examples.
Example 1
What happens when you're in a department store, and an employee walks up to you? Typically, they ask, "Can I help you?" This opening line brings up a "wall" because most of us have been conditioned to say, "No thanks. I'm just looking." When, in fact, many times, we are indeed wanting to buy something.
I often get hired to train sales associates of retail stores. I teach them to walk up to shoppers and ask, "How are you planning to pay for everything you buy today?" What that does is create a bit of surprise or confusion—two great states to induce right away. Humans who are surprised and confused exhibit higher suggestibility levels. This suggestible state can then be made more profound.
Example 2
When I was dating, I quickly realized that women had heard all sorts of pick-up lines—to the point that they automatically shut guys down when they heard the standard lines. So I came up with one that I imagined no woman had heard—at least not regularly. I walked up and asked, "Hey, do you like koalas?" This phrase kept their "wall" from going up. Instead, it developed a mild state of confusion—just enough to allow me to ask another question to facilitate further conversation and build rapport.
Both of these examples produce transderivational search (TDS). TDS is the process of your unconscious searching for meaning to what you are experiencing. For instance, if I ask you to think of a cat, your unconscious searches your memory files to find the meaning of "cat" and then delivers the result to your conscious mind. TDS creates trance. The more you activate TDS, the more suggestible the human you're speaking with becomes.
Questions that humans haven't heard before or have to think about to form an answer activate TDS. The more profound the search for meaning is, the more suggestible they become. If you haven't viewed it yet, watch my talk on TDS here... https://youtu.be/1-ArRGwAVGs.
When you begin a conversation with someone, ask a question that they likely have not heard before. In addition to activating a TDS, you gain their attention and pique their interest due to being different. The questions you ask should require a response that will allow you to ask more and deeper questions to keep the conversation going.
Here is a list of questions to get you started. These questions are designed to elicit answers that will allow you to ask more profound questions…
Personal Setting
When you were young, what toy do you remember the most?
What did you think you were going to be when you grew up?
What is your all-time favorite city?
What is the most dangerous thing you have ever done?
Without telling me what you do, what is the most fulfilling aspect of your career?
Business Setting
What do you ultimately want to be remembered for?
If you could go back and tell the younger you only one thing when starting your company, what do you think that would be?
What keeps you awake at night?
What makes you get out of bed every morning?
What one thing in your business could you change that would make the most significant positive impact?
I believe that if Chase and I sat down to talk about it, we would decide that we have different approaches to the same end.
I would love to hear your stories when you begin using this technique to open conversations with strangers. Shoot me a message through my website.
