The Moment Between Stimulus and Response
Jumping on social media has always been like walking into the worst bar you can imagine. Humans are screaming at each other, name-calling, complaining, attempting to convince followers of this week’s conspiracy theory, and just being detestable. As of late, it is only getting worse. The boldness that humans have developed online is now spilling over into real life. (“IRL” for the humans who know the lingo.)
As a fellow human, it embarrasses me to think that when Earth gets visited by extraterrestrials they may make a quick u-turn or exterminate us before we infest any other part of the universe.
Consider you have the chance to visit an alien planet. One of the first things you’d want to do is get a clear picture of what you’re walking into before making first contact. The best way to do this is to observe the situation by viewing news footage, social media, written material, and how the locals behave and treat one another. It’s no wonder why Elon Musk wants to get off this planet.
Today I viewed a video on one of the news services of an adult human losing her shit with a Pier 1 clerk. The customer wanted to return an item that she didn't have with her… she just had a photo of the item on her phone! When the clerk refused to issue the woman a refund based on only a photo of the item she wanted to return, the woman positioned herself so the clerk couldn't exit the checkout area and screamed that she would stay right there, yelling as loud as she wanted, until all of the customers left.
Another customer who was shopping in Pier 1 began to video the unfolding situation. When the irate customer noticed she was being recorded, she walked over to the human recording the incident and coughed in her face. The human being coughed on is a cancer patient and mother of 10. (NOTE: If you are reading this beyond the year 2020, a pandemic is currently the big thing around the world.)
I should also mention that the irate human’s two younger children witnessed this entire scene.
I developed a skill and a set of beliefs very early in my adult life that govern my interactions with every human. (DISCLAIMER: I admit that there are times that I fail to implement this skill and these beliefs, but I am successful 90% of the time.)
The Skill
I have learned and conditioned myself to recognize the space between a stimulus and the response I decide to have. In that space is where your free will lives. It’s the moment to remember that you are speaking to another human being; the moment you choose to be calm and collected or lose your shit.
This skill is developed as you become more self-aware and learn your triggers and how you instinctively react to them. Begin to pay close attention to that space between stimulus and response, and practice taking a moment before you respond to happenings in your life. The more you practice the easier it becomes. I’m not going to lie, it takes commitment and work to develop this skill.
I recommend you start by making a list of the triggers you are aware you have. For example… If someone raised their voice to me, I matched them and continued to go well beyond. My mind was under the impression that the louder human wins. Since I now know it is a major trigger for me, I concentrate on that moment immediately following someone who raises their voice to me, I take a breath, and I decide to keep my voice at a normal conversational volume.
Do I ever screw up and raise my voice?
Absolutely! There are times that my amygdala takes over before I consciously make a choice, but those times continue to grow fewer as I continue to practice. When you practice this skill every day, you will begin to notice that you become conditioned to taking that moment to think. Perhaps you misplace your keys and your modus operandi is to get frustrated and angry. Stop, take a moment to breathe, and choose the emotional state that will optimize the finding of your keys.
The Beliefs
At the top of my mind are two beliefs that govern my interactions with other humans. I apply these beliefs no matter the situation… positive, negative, or indifferent.
BELIEF #1: Most humans are doing the best they can with the knowledge they currently have.
I view humans as fundamentally good. In other words, I do not believe that humans are born evil.
(NOTE: I am referring to your typical everyday human. This belief does not apply to humans with brain injuries that alter their personality or have psychological issues that predispose them to harmful thoughts and violent actions.)
As humans navigate life, we are all exposed to various teachings, values, and beliefs. These come from our parents, education, peers, relatives, movie stars, musicians, television, the internet, and all the other sources we use to gain knowledge. This is the same knowledge we use to decide what actions to take in our lives. Because humans are involved, the transference of this information can become very skewed as it moves through the grapevine. The result… We have humans who believe that Earth is flat, that their religion is better than others, or COVID-19 is a government conspiracy.
Of course, these humans are probably incorrect, but they are making the best decisions they can make with the knowledge that they currently have… just like everyone else.
By holding the belief that most humans are doing the best they can with the knowledge they currently have, you learn to view humans differently. They aren’t evil, stupid, vindictive, loving, polite, or weird; they are simply behaving based on the teachings, values, and beliefs that they currently hold. This helps you better understand their behavior.
I am not suggesting that we should all feel sorry for people who act like a dick, forgive all bad behavior, and let criminals run wild in the streets. I am suggesting that we see others as fellow humans and not as Democrats, Republicans, scum, degenerates, deadbeats, gurus, leaders, winners, and losers. You still don’t have to like the bully at school or the jerk at the office; just know they are doing the best they can with what they currently have.
BELIEF #2: You have no idea what a human is experiencing in their life.
I developed this belief in 1990 after reading 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey. There is a story Covey tells about his experience on a subway one Sunday morning.
This is Covey’s story…
I remember a mini-paradigm shift I experienced one Sunday morning on a subway in New York. People were sitting quietly — some reading newspapers, some lost in thought, some resting with their eyes closed. It was a calm, peaceful scene.
Then suddenly, a man and his children entered the subway car. The children were so loud and rambunctious that instantly the whole climate changed.
The man sat down next to me and closed his eyes, apparently oblivious to the situation. The children were yelling back and forth, throwing things, even grabbing people’s papers. It was very disturbing. And yet, the man sitting next to me did nothing.
It was difficult not to feel irritated. I could not believe that he could be so insensitive as to let his children run wild like that and do nothing about it, taking no responsibility at all. It was easy to see that everyone else on the subway felt irritated, too. So finally, with what I felt like was unusual patience and restraint, I turned to him and said, “Sir, your children are really disturbing a lot of people. I wonder if you couldn’t control them a little more?”
The man lifted his gaze as if to come to a consciousness of the situation for the first time and said softly, “Oh, you’re right. I guess I should do something about it. We just came from the hospital where their mother died about an hour ago. I don’t know what to think, and I guess they don’t know how to handle it either.”
After reading this 30 years ago, it has guided my view of every interaction with humans since.
This doesn’t excuse the actions of the woman losing her shit in Pier 1 in front of her children and coughing on a cancer patient in the midst of a worldwide pandemic. What would it be like, however, if all humans began to consider what might be going on in the lives of each other. Perhaps the Pier 1 woman may not have walked over and coughed in a cancer patient’s face. Maybe the confrontation with the Pier 1 woman and the clerk wouldn’t have escalated. Maybe the Pier 1 woman’s children wouldn’t grow up believing their mom’s behavior was okay.
As humans, we all need to do better when it comes to how we interact with others in every area of life. You never know what is going through the minds of others when you start a conversation with them. By gaining control of the moment between stimulus and response and understanding that most humans are doing the best they can, you will become more optimistic and effective with your interactions.
Maybe you’ll even meet an extraterrestrial.
