Don’t Throw Snakes

We need to talk.

When you read the four words above, how did you feel?

When I hear "We need to talk," my first thought is to fake a heart attack. Ninety-nine percent of the time, the words that follow this phrase are not good. When's the last time you heard someone say, "We need to talk — I think we should have more sex." Or, "We need to talk — You just inherited $3 million from a long-lost relative." And wouldn't it be nice to hear, "We need to talk — I booked us tickets to Italy for next week."

The reason most humans dread the phrase "We need to talk" is because they've been conditioned that something unpleasant is about to go down. Conditioning is when an external stimulus is associated with an internal response. The stimulus can be virtually unnoticeable or even out of conscious awareness, and the response can be either positive or negative.

It's like my cats. I started feeding them from a pull-top tin can when they were kittens. Over time, they associated the sound of the pull-top with feeding time. When I can't find one of my cats, I simply snap a pull-top, and they both come running. Hearing the pull-top snap is associated with something good that is about to happen.

For the cats, the external stimulus is the pull-top snap; and the internal response is salivation and the joy of getting fed.

A phobia is another example of conditioning — profound conditioning. In most cases, a phobia is established in a single, brief, intense learning experience. Then, when the external stimulus happens, the phobic response is activated from that moment on. Typically, a phobia is triggered by a thing or activity — such as snakes, spiders, flying, bad weather, darkness, et cetera.

Assuming you're a delightful human, you wouldn't throw a snake at someone you know has ophidiophobia (fear of snakes). Similarly, you shouldn't utter a word that you know triggers the human to whom you're speaking.

You must mind the words coming out of your mouth because what you say and how you say it affects other humans. So think about the probable outcome of what you're about to say before letting it out. It's not as difficult as it may sound.

Instead of saying, "We need to talk," soften your statement by saying, "I need to talk." That's really what you mean anyway, right? When someone says to me, "We need to talk," I think, "No, WE don't — YOU do."

"I need to talk" has a different feel than "We need to talk" and doesn't create a one-up dynamic — allowing you to stay on an even playing field. Using "I need to talk" communicates that this is YOUR thought process. It will enable your conversation partner to feel comfortable sharing their thoughts in return.

I've used "We need to talk" as an example, but minding your words applies to everything you say. We take a deep dive into this subject in my sales and communication seminars. A few words can mean the difference between hearing a "yes" or a "no."

Most of us have been approached by a sales associate at a department store with, "Can I help you?" And I predict that you replied with, "No, thank you, I'm just looking." Your response was conditioned to guard against pushy sales associates.

I teach sales associates to open with a phrase such as, "You don't seem like you're 'just looking.' What are you hoping to buy?" Because it's not what the customer has been conditioned to hear (the external stimulus), their trigger (the internal response) doesn't activate.

I create a lot of email templates for companies. These templates include sales letters, customer service responses, "thank you" notes, and other communications with customers. Every word in these correspondences is selected to keep negative conditioning to a minimum and positive triggers at a maximum.

You know as soon as you open an email if it's a sales pitch. How? It's because you've seen so many in your inbox with the same format — you're conditioned to ignore them. The key is to create an email that doesn't scream "sales pitch" the moment you open it.

My underlying rule... If everyone is doing it, then it's time to do something different.

When you communicate, in any form, don't throw snakes. You can't plan for every circumstance, but you can minimize the negative impact your words have on others. Think before you speak, and choose your words wisely. If you don't, those snakes you threw will slither back to bite you.