Boundaries
Growing up, I was taught to be polite, respectful, and friendly. From kindergarten through graduation, my teachers let my parents know what a pleasure it was to have me in their class. The truth is that I didn't put effort into being the teacher's pet. If you're a long-time reader of my column, you know that I had a speech impediment that required therapy until I was in my teens. I wasn't being nice — I was covering up my condition.
When I was ten years old, my parents filed for divorce. I spent the next eight years being reared by my grandparents. My 10-year-old mind believed my mom and dad didn't want me any longer. To prevent anyone else from leaving, I made sure that I was polite, respectful, and friendly.
Because of always wanting to be a people-pleaser, I conformed to who others wanted me to be. As a result, friends typically made plans for a night out because I would say, "Whatever you want to do is fine with me." Many times, it was the opposite of what I wanted to do. In my romantic relationships, I picked women who I believed needed fixing in some way. Unconsciously, I thought, "She'll love me forever if I fix her." (Note: That's not a great way to choose a partner.")
I'm 51, and until now, I haven't had any boundaries — at least none that I've consciously designed. So perhaps it's time to examine my limits.
Over the past few years, the term "boundary" has become more prominent. I suspect being sequestered during the pandemic played a significant role in humans learning the importance of boundaries.
A boundary is knowing your personal limits, communicating them to other humans, and standing firm when someone violates them.
An example of a boundary is, "If I get into a heated debate, I'll take a time-out to calm down and think before we continue the conversation."
How do you know if you need to work on your boundaries? If you answer "yes" to more than a couple of these, you should spend some time setting boundaries:
Do you feel manipulated or bullied?
Do you bite your tongue when you really want to speak up?
Do you say "yes" when you wish you could say "no?"
Do you say "no" when you wish you could say "yes?"
Do you agree with humans so they like you or to prevent conflict?
Do you feel taken for granted?
Do you feel like a victim?
Do you feel responsible for the happiness of others?
Do you worry about what other humans think of you?
A few caveats about boundaries:
When setting boundaries, they are for you. You don't set boundaries for other humans.
You can change, add, or throw away a boundary anytime.
From Mark Manson, "If you make a sacrifice for someone you care about, it needs to be because you want to, not because you feel obligated or because you fear the consequences of not doing it."
Creating your boundaries is a helluva lot easier than communicating them to other humans. It takes guts to tell someone what you will and will not do or stand for — it can even be scary. But I know you can do it, and your life and self-esteem will improve.
I believe it's best to write down your boundaries. Writing them allows you to think about them, change them, and settle on exactly where your limits lie. In addition, when you write things down, you remember them better, and they seem more real in your mind.
A great way to organize your boundaries is by categories:
Physical
Sexual
Emotional or Mental
Spiritual or Religious
Financial and Material
Time
Non-Negotiable Boundaries
I will give you an example from my recent boundary-writing session in each of these categories to get you started. I hope my boundaries inspire you to define your own and live by them.
Physical
When a human sits next to me and is coughing and/or sneezing, I move away.
Sexual
When a woman says "no," it means "no" without any form of pressure.
Emotional or Mental
I understand that many humans fear being in crowds — especially now. I get energized at events such as concerts, Broadway Theatre, and comedy clubs. If I determine it is safe, I will attend alone if no one wants to go with me.
Spiritual or Religious
When someone asks me about my religion or begins a conversation with, "Have you accepted Jesus Christ into your heart?" I will tell them that I am an atheist.
Financial and Material
I do not share my iPhone password with anyone.
Time Boundaries
You can text me anytime, but I may not get back to you immediately — depending on where I'm at on Earth, it could be days later.
Non-Negotiable
I will not put myself in an environment where there may be a higher than 10% chance of physical violence.
If you're willing to share some of your boundaries with me, I would love to take a look at them. Just email me.
