Awkward Silence
Somehow, awkward silence has gotten a bad rap over the years. Humans fear awkward silence when on a date, in the boardroom, at social events, and most other interactions with other humans.
Stop for a moment and think about a time you were in a situation when awkward silence creeped into the interaction. If you can’t think of a time from the past, simply imagine an interaction where awkward silence falls over your conversation.
How does that make you feel?
What makes silence awkward?
I mean, when was the last time you felt awkward happiness, awkward excitement, or awkward great conversation? You never read articles on how to avoid awkward happiness, why you should minimize awkward excitement, or the importance of eliminating awkward great conversations.
What makes silence awkward are the thoughts and emotions you link to silence in your mind. You’ve been conditioned to feel awkward during moments of silence when in the presence of another human, but you can learn to enjoy it.
I propose that you embrace the art of silence. Paul Simon got it right when he wrote his song “The Sound of Silence”... “People talking without speaking... People hearing without listening.” This is where communication is deeper than just the words that are coming out of your mouth.
Most humans believe that they need to fill silence with words in order to keep a conversation going... you could even say they feel compelled to say something... anything.
When used correctly, silence doesn’t make a conversation awkward; it can add more to a conversation than the spoken words.
When asked a question, taking a moment of silence to really think about your answer does not show weakness or incompetence; it shows that you care enough about what was asked to put some real thought into it.
Take some time and listen to several interviews done with Elon Musk. You will begin to notice that Musk isn’t afraid of silence and will take 5 to 15 seconds to think about his answer before replying. This can seem like an eternity for humans who are uncomfortable with silence, but it’s this time that your mind is doing what it’s best at... thinking. This leads to a better answer than simply spouting off the first thing that pops into your mind.
Steve Jobs demonstrated his mastery of silence when he responded to an insult at a Q&A session with developers. An audience member made this statement to Jobs...
"It's sad and clear that on several counts you've discussed, you don't know what you're talking about. I would like, for example, for you to express in clear terms how, say, Java and any of its incarnations addresses the ideas embodied in OpenDoc. And when you're finished with that, perhaps you can tell us what you personally have been doing for the last seven years."
After hearing this, Jobs sat down on a stool on the stage and thought in silence for approximately 14 seconds before he responded. His response was well crafted and earned applause from the room when he finished.
Sticking with Apple, Tim Cook also clearly knows the importance of silence when he speaks. Cook is known for his long pauses when thinking about how to respond. Watch any interview with Cook, and you will notice his use of silence.
Jeff Bezos, CEO of Amazon, utilizes silence in a unique way by having his staff review memos and other notes at the beginning of meetings in silence. This sometimes takes 30 minutes, and it allows the attendees to think, make notes, and form thoughts on the ideas to be discussed.
There is a negotiation / sales tactic that states when a question is asked, whoever speaks first loses. For example, the salesperson may say, “$60,000 is the lowest I can go.”
The silence begins.
If the salesperson breaks first, he may say, “I could probably get it down to $54,000 if we can get this deal done today.” The salesperson just tipped his hat by providing the information that he could go $6,000 lower. In this instance, the potential client gets a $6,000 discount while the salesperson loses some commission by speaking first.
If the potential client breaks first, she may say, “I can only budget for $57,000. If you can come down to that, I’ll take it.” The potential client just tipped her hat by providing the information that she can pay $57,000. In this instance, the potential client loses out on an additional $3,000 discount by speaking first.
I don’t enjoy going into any conversation where the outcome is someone winning and someone losing. My goal is to have everyone involved feeling happy when the conversation is over.
With that said, I do use silence when I ask someone a question. It’s their turn to talk, and I don’t want to influence their answer. Many times, especially in a therapy session, a client may remain silent for several minutes while they process my question and form an answer. (NOTE: My questions are designed to make my clients think in new ways, and this can take some processing time.)
Silence is not just a tool at the sales desk or in the therapy room. It’s a skill that can be used in all areas of your life.
When was the last time that you got lost in someone’s eyes, became speechless as you held someone’s hand for the first time, or relaxed on the sofa cuddling someone special? I remember falling asleep with the phone against my ear with my high school girlfriend on the other end doing the same.
You’ve had times when you didn’t want to talk, you just needed someone to be with you. Maybe you just needed to hear another human’s voice telling you everything was going to be okay without having to respond.
Silence is an important part of human interaction. Learn to become comfortable with silence, and give that gift to yourself and others. Think about what you say, and allow others to do the same.
I have spent the last three decades teaching humans to use the right word at the right time in the right way to make changes within themselves and help others do the same, but silence is just as important. My expertise is trance work (AKA hypnosis). It is extremely important to allow time for my clients to process what we’re working on. During a hypnosis session, half of the time is spent in silence.
Improve your communication by being silent more often.
