Authenticity

During the first 30 years of my life, I learned to be the human that I thought others wanted me to be.

My parents filed for divorce when I was 10-years-old. My mom has not been a part of my life since... except for a failed attempt at rebuilding our relationship several years ago. My grandparents reared me from the age of 10 until I left for college. I was told by my grandparents that my dad didn’t want to see me, but I discovered in my 20s that my grandparents orchestrated that ruse. My dad and I now have a close relationship.

I can look back and see how this early abandonment situation has affected my life. I wanted to make sure, at least unconsciously, that other humans liked me. I dressed like the most popular kids in my school to create a connection with them. I was top of my class, because I wanted the teachers to like me. I went along with whatever my friends wanted to do. I was living my life to guard against anyone else leaving.

At the time, this seemed like a great idea. I was popular, I was liked, and I landed several scholarships and grants for university. I started university focused on law and piano... the two things my grandparents wanted me to pursue.

I then married the first girl who showed interest in me, I landed a great job with Johnson & Johnson, I created two beautiful children, and I bought a house. I did exactly what everyone expected me to do.

One evening, circa 30-years-old, I was sitting on the sofa watching television when my wife walked through the room. She looked at me and asked, “Is something bothering you?”

I thought for a moment, looked up, and said, “Yes, I can’t do this any longer.”

I filed for divorce the next day.

It wasn’t anything specific that I could no longer do. My answer was aimed at my life in general, because I had never felt like I had ever been me... I had been what I thought others thought I should be.

That was the exact moment that I decided to be authentic and live my life for me. Perhaps, some would say it was a quarter-life crisis. Others would say I’m selfish. I describe it as giving myself permission to take the path that I believed was right for me.

Living authentically has been a journey for me over the last 20 years. I’ve learned a lot about myself and made some radical changes, and I’m still learning and changing every day.

What does it mean to live authentically?

It means being true to yourself. It’s when your personality, your values, your beliefs, your ideals, your goals, your dreams, and actions all align with who you are. It also means taking responsibility when you make a mistake and are willing to accept the consequences of being who you are and what you consider to be the right path for you... even if you are going against the masses. This may mean taking the road less traveled and opening yourself up for others to criticize you.

You don’t worry about what you say or don’t say, how you behave, or if you did the right thing. You trust yourself and your actions wholeheartedly. This doesn’t mean you have the right to harm other humans. Living authentically comes with the responsibility of treating other humans with the utmost respect and kindness. (NOTE: There are horrible human beings who live authentically who have no regard for others. Don’t be one of these humans.)

Accept that you are imperfect and allow yourself to be vulnerable. You don’t have to present yourself as the perfect friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, boss, employee, entertainer, or whatever. It’s okay to admit your faults and apologize when you’re wrong. These things are what make you who you are.

Let me give you an example from my life...

I was sitting in the waiting area of a garage as my car was being repaired. A man around 80-years-old walked in and sat down beside me. He struck up a conversation with me about the weather and it quickly turned into how Jesus Christ is his lord and savior. My purpose for this conversation was to make him feel good while not compromising my beliefs and values.

I grew up going to church, attending Sunday School and Bible Study, and having a blast at church camp. When I went to university, I met humans from all over the world who held beliefs much different than mine, and I began to realize that I don’t have to keep the same beliefs that I had growing up. Over the course of a couple years, my belief about the religions of the world changed a lot. I became an atheist.

At that time, I was afraid to let other humans know that I was an atheist so I bowed my head when prayer was offered at public and private events, I said “amen” along with the rest of them, and I shied away from any discussion of my beliefs when it came to religion. It took me 11 years to be vulnerable enough to share my true beliefs.

Now, back to my example. When the 80-year-old man asked me if I had accepted Jesus Christ as my lord and savior, I politely answered with, “When I was younger, I was involved in the church and my beliefs have drastically changed since then.”

He asked, “Do you not believe in Jesus Christ?”

I answered, “Yes, I do believe that there was a human named Jesus Christ. I simply don’t buy into the superstitions of any religion.”

He then changed the subject, and we had a pleasant conversation about his grown children and how proud he was of them. I continued to ask questions about his son and daughter, and he was happy to continue talking.

He left before I did, and he left happy.

Remember, my purpose was not to upset him but to leave him with a great feeling.

The lesson of this story is to be okay with who you are, the beliefs you hold, and what you value. Be honest when someone asks you a question. This takes courage, but the deep connections you make are well worth it.

Not everyone is going to like you, and that’s okay. If everyone likes you, then you have a problem because you are compromising your beliefs and values to appease other humans.

None of what I’ve written up to this point matters if you are not self-aware. In fact, I would be surprised if you’re reading this sentence without having at least a little self-awareness.

Self-awareness is the most important trait a human can develop, and it’s a must in order to live authentically. Self-awareness is the ability to take a step back in your mind and observe your own thoughts, feelings, and impulses and then decide whether they are grounded in reality or not.

For example, you might take a step back and think... “Okay, I’ve been married three times. The common denominator is me. Maybe it’s not the women. I think I might be too impulsive and ask women to marry me before I get to know them well enough to decide if I want to spend the rest of my life with them.”

The discipline that helped me develop self-awareness and continues to teach me more about myself is daily journaling. Journaling allows me to see patterns in my thoughts and behavior as well as document my progress along the way.

Learn to live authentically, and you’re life will be so much more fulfilling and meaningful.