3 Tips for Having Better Conversations

Being an expert on hypnosis, influence, and persuasion, I am often asked to speak on how to have effective conversations. I am teaching a class on this very subject at a university beginning this week.

Growing up, conversations were always awkward for me. I had a speech impediment along with a fear that humans would walk away from our interaction thinking I was stupid or worse yet… they wouldn’t like me. This is a major reason why I became an expert in this area.

I didn’t like how I believed I was viewed as a human being. If I could only learn to say the right words at the right time in the right way, then my life would be so much better. At that time, “in the right way” meant both structuring my communication effectively as well as speaking so I could literally be understood. If you’ve never had a speech impediment, you’re one step ahead of me.

Here are three skills that helped me improve my conversations. They can help you too.

1. Listen

I learned to listen more and talk less. I didn’t know this would be such an important communication skill later in life. I simply knew that if I wasn’t talking, then humans had less of a chance of finding out I had a speech impediment. To keep the conversation moving along, I would ask short questions based on what my conversation partner was telling me.

When I implemented this skill, I realized that people enjoyed conversations with me. In essence, I was building a strong rapport between us by keeping my conversation partner on the subject that they loved most… themselves. With eye contact and a head nod now and then, I kept the conversation moving along with minimal words.

Here’s the thing… If you don’t listen to someone, you will never understand them. I find it helpful to go into a conversation with the belief that the human I am speaking with is the most interesting human on Earth. By holding this belief, you will hang on their every word and continue to ask questions that put the focus on them.

For example, if your conversation partner tells you about a time when they met Paul McCartney on a subway in New York City, refrain from telling them that you also met a celebrity. Instead, ask them more about their encounter. You will increase the rapport between the two of you and make your conversation partner feel good.

The most important tip I can give you when it comes to listening (and conversations in general) is to keep your phone out of sight. This doesn't mean laying your phone on the table facedown or on the seat beside you; this means you can’t see it. There have been studies done that show that your phone just being in sight distracts from the conversation. Please do everyone a favor and put your phone away. If we can all do this, our conversations will be so much better.

2. Know Your Purpose

When starting or finding yourself in a conversation, know what you want the outcome to be.

Stephen Covey writes in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, “Begin with the end in mind.”

In other words, it’s difficult to get what you want if you don’t know what you want.

Knowing your purpose for the conversation is important if you’re in a meeting with a CEO hoping to sell your latest widget; but this doesn’t apply to the conversation you’re having with your best friend, your teenage daughter, or your spouse, right?

Wrong!

It’s helpful to know your purpose for every conversation. Your purpose could be to have fun, to offer comfort, to reconcile, to learn something, or countless other outcomes. Give it some thought before you start a conversation and you’ll find that the interaction is a much better experience for everyone involved.

In certain conversations, it is sometimes better to have the purpose of being happy rather than being right. (Like conversations with your best friend, your teenage daughter, or your spouse.) You don’t have to be right or try to correct your conversation partner, especially if it’s inconsequential. It’s okay to let humans be wrong in these cases.

Ask yourself if the purpose of your conversation is to argue and correct your conversation partner, or if your purpose is to make them feel good. Personally, I would rather make humans feel good.

If you must have a conversation that focuses on different ideas or beliefs, refer back to tip #1... Listen. Make sure that you fully understand what your conversation partner is saying before you attempt to explain your side of things. Let them speak and don’t interrupt.

If it comes to the point at which you realize you are the one who is in the wrong, be okay with admitting that. Saying you are wrong is not a sign of weakness; it’s actually a sign of strength.

3. Be Vulnerable

All humans have a set of beliefs and values that we walk around with, and we bring these beliefs and values into every interaction. If you have anxiety when it comes to sharing your beliefs and values, this is an issue that you should be working to overcome. Many times, this anxiety is born out of thinking that humans won’t like you if they know who you really are. Unless you’re a psychopath, you’d be surprised at how accepting most humans will be. I have many friends that have different beliefs and values than what I do. This isn’t a negative thing; interaction with others who are different is how we grow, learn, form our beliefs and values, and become who we are. When you live based on your beliefs and values, humans find that attractive.

Let me give you an example. I was sitting in the waiting area of a garage as my car was being repaired. A man around 80-years-old walked in and sat down beside me. He struck up a conversation with me about the weather and it quickly turned into how Jesus Christ is his lord and savior. My purpose for this conversation was to make him feel good while not compromising my beliefs and values.

I grew up going to church, attending Sunday School and Bible Study, and having a blast at church camp. When I went to college, I met humans from all over the world who held beliefs much different than mine, and I began to realize that I don’t have to keep the same beliefs that I had growing up. Over the course of a couple years, my belief about the religions of the world changed a lot. I became an atheist.

At that time, I was afraid to let other humans know that I was an atheist so I bowed my head when prayer was offered at public and private events, I said “amen” along with the rest of them, and I shied away from any discussion of my beliefs when it came to religion. It took me 11 years to be vulnerable enough to share my true beliefs.

Now, back to my example. When the 80-year-old man asked me if I had accepted Jesus Christ as my lord and savior, I politely answered with, “When I was younger, I was involved in the church and my beliefs have drastically changed since then.”

He asked, “Do you not believe in Jesus Christ?”

I answered, “Yes, I do believe that there was a human named Jesus Christ. I simply don’t buy into the superstitions of any religion.”

He then changed the subject, and we had a pleasant conversation about his grown children and how proud he was of them. I continued to ask questions about his son and daughter, and he was happy to continue talking.

He left before I did, and he left happy. Remember, my purpose was not to upset him but to leave him with a great feeling.

The lesson of this story is to be okay with who you are, the beliefs you hold, and what you value. Be honest when someone asks you a question. This takes courage, but the deep connections you make are well worth it.

Not everyone is going to like you, and that’s okay. If everyone likes you, then you have a problem because you are compromising your beliefs and values to appease other humans.

This is not the definitive guide to having better conversations; it’s more of a crash course. By improving in these three areas, you will create deeper connections, turn more humans into friends, and make others feel great… including yourself.