What Your Dad Never Taught You
I remember getting “the talk” from my grandfather when I was 16-years-old while driving to my piano lesson.
He started with, “I want to talk to you about girls.”
He ended with, “If you’re going to have sex, make sure you wear a condom.”
There was nothing in-between those two sentences.
When my oldest son was 12-years-old, he came home from school and asked me to explain some things that he did not completely understand from his health class earlier that day. I wanted to make sure I did not handle the situation the same way my grandfather did.
I sat my son down at the dining room table, and I spent 45 minutes explaining the ins and outs of sex to the best of my knowledge at that time.
I would guess that your sex talk falls somewhere in-between those two extremes.
What is missing from most of the sex talks that we all received while coming of age is how the hell you get to the point of having sex in the first place.
Here are 3 things that we never learned in those talks…
1. Relationships and sex never happen if you can’t find the courage to walk up to a woman and start a conversation.
I have consulted with countless men who have never found the courage to approach a woman before meeting me.
Here’s the key… It is not the woman who makes you feel nervous or scared; your own mind does this to you.
When you see an attractive human, your mind begins to spin out of control with questions.
Should I make eye contact with her?
Should I buy her a drink?
Should I walk over and introduce myself?
What if she doesn’t like me?
What if she is married or has a boyfriend… or both?
What if she says she doesn’t want to speak to me?
What if she yells at me?
What if she doesn’t want to be bothered?
Does my breath smell okay?
What if I embarrass myself?
What if she tells me “no”?
Blah, blah, blah.
Men become paralyzed by the “what ifs” and get bogged down in the logistics of the interaction before taking a single step in the direction of this other human. Worst-case scenario, she punches you in the face. (Which rarely happens!)
Men, most women are as nervous as you are and have no idea how to open an intriguing conversation and keep it going. With that said, women do put up a wall, but it’s not their fault. We, as men, have taught them to throw that wall up because we say stupid shit. (Refer to the article on TheDateConsultant.com titled “Let's “Not” Put up a Wall”.)
The question that men should be asking at that moment is “What could I be missing if I don’t go talk to her?”… Or “How great can I make the rest of this night?”, or “What compliment can I give her that is sincere and unique to make her feel great?”, or “What can I learn from this attractive human?”, or “How can I give her a moment that she will remember for a very long time?”
These types of questions take the focus off of you and how you can screw up the interaction, and it puts your focus on her… which is where it should be. It’s not about you. Make this moment about her and how you can make her feel. Let go of the outcome and bathe in the present as events unfurl.
2. When you speak, you create thoughts and emotions in the minds of others.
Every word that comes out of your mouth is important.
You must learn to speak on purpose… say the right words at the right time to lead a conversation in the direction that you want it to go.
If I say to you, “I have a black cat.”
What do you imagine in your mind?
A black cat, right?!?
As you speak, every word is being processed in the mind of your listener, and they begin to add meaning to what you are saying. In other words, you are directing the thoughts of your listener as you speak to them, so make your words count.
Ask her what she likes to do for fun, her favorite place to vacation (and why), her favorite all-time movie (and why), what makes her get up early and stay up late. Lead the conversation to good places, let her have fun and laugh, and those feelings will be linked to you; not the creepy guy who tried to talk to her 60 seconds before you approached her.
As Stephen R. Covey taught, begin with the end in mind. This means to begin with a clear vision of your desired direction and outcome, and then be flexible and let things happen.
Are you going to lead her where you want her to go when you say things like, “This weather is great!”
Answer: Probably not.
However, what if you said to her, “It’s really refreshing to meet someone who seems as beautiful on the inside as she looks on the outside.”
(NOTE: You need to be sincere! Do not use this line if you do not feel it. This is not a line to get her in bed! Don’t be that guy.)
Always be thinking when you are speaking with anyone… “This person is the most fascinating person in the world.” When you go into a conversation with this attitude, you will keep the focus on her and ask intriguing questions to discover what her answers are. You will give her your undivided attention.
There is a chance that you may find out the person you are talking to is the least fascinating person in the world. That’s a great thing! You have just found out that this person is not someone you want to move forward with. Break the rapport, and get the hell out of there. As salespeople say when they miss a sale, “Next!”
Things to not do…
Don’t use a worn-out pickup line. (Or any pickup line!)
Don’t tell her she’s “hot”.
Don’t talk about yourself unless she asks a specific question. When you do answer, keep it short and end by asking her a question.
Don’t beg for her attention.
Don’t talk about your last girlfriend or other previous girlfriends or your ex-wife or anyone else. This conversation that you are having is only about her.
Don’t buy her a drink until the conversation is going very well.
Don’t show signs of extreme excitement because you finally got a woman to have a conversation with you.
Don’t say stupid shit. Think before letting the words come out of your mouth.
In other words, don’t do what you see most other guys doing.
What you say can make or break an opportunity in a moment. Pay attention to the words that are coming out of your mouth. You only get one first impression.
3. Never leave a great conversation and interaction without a definite next step.
If you end the encounter with, “Hey, do you want to go to dinner sometime?”, then you have just lost… even if you did get her digits.
(This is sales 101, Guys! Never leave a meeting without a clear next step.)
You should have your calendar full of activities and events that you like to do and are committed to attending. If you do not have your calendar full of things that you like to do, take 30 minutes today to research events in your area. When you see something you are interested in put it on your calendar and RSVP, buy a ticket, or register… whatever you need to do to commit yourself to attending. Sometimes you will be going alone. That’s okay! There will be humans there who have similar interests as you.
(TIP: Take 30 minutes every week to add new things you would like to experience to your calendar, and attend them. This is how you meet new people, expand your comfort zone, and become more worldly.)
For example, perhaps you have a wine tasting scheduled for Thursday evening. When you end the encounter, say something like, “Hey Val, I am going to a wine tasting at XYZ Cellars on Thursday. You said you like wine. Why don’t we go together?”
(NOTE: The activity or event that you invite her to will depend on what you discovered her interests to be during your conversation.)
What if she doesn’t have Thursday open? (Or whatever day you propose.)
Respond with, “It’s okay, Val. You can just tell me you don’t want to go with me. You won’t hurt my feelings.” (This needs to be said in a playful way.)
You will likely get one of two responses from her…
“I’m sorry, but thank you for asking.”
If she responds with some form of this, you did not create enough interest and attraction within her to want to get to know you better. (Learn from every interaction, and you will do better next time.)
”Oh, no! I really do have something on that evening.”
Respond with, “Well what about Wednesday? I am attending the ‘Adults Night Out’ at the Science Center. It’s going to be a lot of fun.” (Of course, I am not telling you to recite this response word-for-word. Just pick another day on your calendar that has an event scheduled she may be interested in.)
If she is booked for the second day you suggest as well, let her pick a date when she’s open. If you have nothing on that date, tell her you will come up with something unique.
“But, Bill, what if she never expressed an interest in anything that I like to do?”
Then perhaps she is not the one for you.
Do you have friends that you enjoy being around with whom you have nothing in common?
NO, YOU DON’T!
Why would you?
The same rule goes for women you are initially attracted to. Why would you want to be with a woman who has absolutely nothing in common with you, and why would she want to be with you?”
This is called dating, and it is the step in the process where you weed out the humans who are not compatible with you. Wouldn’t you agree that weeding them out now is better than four years into a marriage?
The Key Is You
Everything begins with you wanting to better yourself and expand your comfort zone. You can walk up to any woman anywhere, open and hold an intriguing conversation, and lead the conversation (and the woman) to your first date; but will you? If you will, do you have a plan to land that first date?
The path to being a better you is learning how to run your mind in a way that gets you more of what you want.
Shameless Plug
I bring the tools to the table to help you become the person you want (and need) to be to meet women and get through the first three dates. Using my system, processes, and exercises to build confidence, create the behaviors needed, tweak your beliefs about yourself and the world, get your values in line with who you want to be, and adopt some new habits; you will quickly begin to transform. When you add in the techniques, tips, hacks, and communication skills that you will learn; your life will never be the same.