Over the past couple of months, I have watched COVID-19 bring out the authenticity in humans.

To be authentic means being ourselves, not a projection of how we think or have been told we should be. It’s about being congruent. In other words, what you do and what you say are aligned with your personal beliefs and values. Being authentic is being the real you… whatever that means.

For example… Do you hold a door open for another human because you want the world to view you as a good human or do you hold the door because you care about other humans and it makes you feel good to help them?

Here’s a more straightforward example… Have you ever lied to a human you just met because you wanted them to like you? This includes even the tiniest of white lies like, “Oh, yes, I like Conway Twitty too!” (Even though you don’t know who Conway Twitty is.)

One more example… Have you ever been asked where you wanted to eat and replied with, “Oh, I don’t care. Where do you want to eat?” (While all the time knowing you really want some Thai food.)

Why do we all do this?

It’s because we all have a need for humans to like us, to love us, and to accept us. We want to be a part of something bigger than ourselves. It’s either that or you’re a psychopath who is out to manipulate humans to get what you want. (I am going to err on the side that you are not a psychopath.)

We’re afraid that humans won’t like us, love us, or accept us for who we really are. I mean, what if you tell someone you just met that you love going to Drag Queen Bingo on the weekends? They could think you’re weird, they could think you’re the coolest human ever, or they could not give a shit. If they think you’re cool, then you’re one step closer to some sort of relationship. If they think you’re weird, then you’ve weeded out someone who is not for you. If they don’t give a shit, then you’re not memorable.

Over the last couple of months, I have weeded several humans out of my life both on social media and in real life. Stress and crisis tear down the facade that most of us maintain in public and reveal who we really are… our authentic selves come bubbling to the surface. That part of each of us that we keep hidden for fear of humans not liking, loving, or accepting us. Come to find out, many humans were right to keep that authentic side of themselves hidden. I wouldn’t have liked them from the beginning.

I have watched humans I have known for a while jack up the prices on essential needs, post things on social media like “Sure COVID-19 is going to kill some people but we should open up and develop herd immunity”, and refuse to wear masks when in public (possibly causing the death of others). One human, let’s call him Dick, posted “I’m not a doctor or anything but I’ve done a lot of research on viruses, and viruses simply don’t exist. This is a government conspiracy!”

On the flip side, I have seen humans risk their lives for others, donate thousands of dollars to feed humans that need food, and continue to pay their employees even when they had to close their businesses during the pandemic.

These inadvertent displays of authenticity make it easy to sort humans into the categories of friend, not a friend, or indifferent.

Everyone has different values, beliefs, and ideas. With a few minor exceptions, I respect the views of others. It takes guts to share your views with others and make yourself vulnerable to ridicule. The differences in each of us are what make life exciting. It’s the reason I have a wide variety of friends with very different backgrounds, ethnicities, sexual orientations, religions (or no religion), and political affiliations. It’s when those differences encroach on the safety, health, and rights of others that things get a bit dicey.

It’s how we behave, cope, and treat humans in high-stress situations that defines who we really are.

Am I saying that you have to live through a high-stress situation with another human to find out who they really are? Well, maybe; but there are ways to learn more about the human behind the curtain without living through a crisis.

Being vulnerable and authentic when you interact with other humans is something that you control. It’s also a very scary thing for most of us to do. When you take the lead, others will tend to reciprocate. You will find that you have much deeper conversations and relationships with other humans.

I would like to take a deep dive into a set of tools that will help you get out of your head and be in the moment when you are communicating with other humans. Specifically, we are going to focus on context instead of content. In other words, the focus is on the structure of what is being said instead of the topic of the conversation.

Meta Programs give you a way to learn how someone communicates and then utilize what you learn to build a connection with them. Meta Programs not only allow you to predict how the human you are communicating with will react but they also allow you to speak their language.

What are your meta programs?

Who cares?!?

Well, you should know your own, but you also need to know the meta programs of the human with whom you are communicating.

So, what are meta programs?

Meta programs are general, habitual patterns that are commonly used by a human across a wide range of situations. In other words, meta programs are the habits that humans unconsciously follow when making decisions and communicating.

By learning the most common meta programs of your conversation partner, you will enter their world and influence them very powerfully.

Let's go through the six most common meta programs… 

One

Direction Sort

Does your conversation partner tend to “move toward” or “move away”?

To find out, ask a question such as… “What do you want in a relationship?”... and listen to the response. The actual answer is not as important as how the answer is stated.

• If your conversation partner answers by saying, “Well, I don’t want what I had in my last relationship; and I don’t want someone who doesn’t listen to me.” This answer indicates that this human has “moving away” as a direction sort. They are listing things that they do not want.

• If, on the other hand, your conversation partner answers by saying, “I want someone who I can wake up with and feel grateful. I want to find someone who I can be happy with for the rest of my life.” This answer indicates that this human has “moving toward” as a direction sort. They are listing things that they want in a relationship.

When you learn this information, how do you use it?

You speak to your conversation partner in the language that they need to hear… 

• Moving Toward… “Tammy, if you go out with me, I promise that you’ll have a great time. We can see how many things we have in common. What do you say?”

• Moving Away… “Tammy, if you pass up the chance to see how much we have in common, you may be making a big mistake and miss your chance at a great relationship. Let’s meet for coffee.”

Most likely, one of these statements seems almost “rude” or too “wishy washy” to you. It is because it is not your normal meta program. It is not rude, it is simply how your subject needs to hear it. Stay out of your head, and enter your conversation partner’s.

TWO

Reason Sort

Is it possibility or necessity?

In order to influence someone, it is important to determine if your subject is operating out of possibility or necessity.

This will not only help you decide in which direction to take the conversation, but it also allows you to speak their language.

To find out if your subject is operating out of possibility or necessity, ask a question such as… “Why did you choose your present job?”

• If your subject answers by saying, “I saw a chance for upward mobility, and that is what I want”; then your subject is operating out of possibility.

• If your conversation partner answers by saying, “I could not find anything else. The job market was down, and I needed to be making money”; then your subject is operating out of necessity.

Keep in mind that the questions you ask will be related to your conversation. For example, if you are talking about your conversation partner’s relationship problems, then you might ask… “Why did you begin dating your girlfriend?”

If, on the other hand, you are a salesperson selling a copying machine, you might ask… “Why did you choose the copier that you have now?”

After finding out how your conversation partner operates, speak to them in their language. For example, if you are encouraging a friend to take a new job, you could say… 

• Possibility… “Think of the impact you could make on so many people by taking this new job. You could really make a difference!”

• Necessity… “You need to take this job if you want to make an impact on people’s lives. To make a real difference, you have to be in this position.” Notice the same theme, but it is a different way of saying it.

THREE

Frame Of Reference

Does your conversation partner have an “internal” or “external” frame of reference?

In other words, does your conversation partner march to the beat of their own drum, or does your conversation partner need reassurance from others?

How do you discover from which frame of reference your conversation partner is currently operating?

I suggest asking a question such as this… 

“How do you know when you have done a great job?”

• If you get the response, “I just know that I have done a great job”; then your conversation partner is operating out of an internal frame of reference.

• If you get the response, “When people say something positive about what I have done either to me or to someone else”; then your conversation partner is operating out of an external frame of reference.

After discovering from what frame of reference your conversation partner is operating, then use it to influence them.

• If your conversation partner is operating from an internal frame of reference, say things like, “I don’t know what is right for you in this area. I’m sure you know deep down. What do you think about it?”

• If your conversation partner is operating from an external frame of reference, say things like, “Do this, because Tom did it and loved it and Jenny cannot stop talking about it; and it can work for you as well.”

FOUR

Attention Sort

Is your conversation partner more focused on themselves (self) or on others (other)?

This is one of the easiest meta programs to recognize. All you have to do is watch! You watch, because like the other meta programs, attention sort happens outside of your conversation partner’s awareness.

Let's discuss both self and other.

• Self… Your conversation partner is focused on their own perceptions, values, beliefs, et cetera. Self is related to both confidence and assertiveness (healthy) and behaviors of a sociopath (destructive).

• Other… Your conversation partner is focused on other human’s perceptions, values, beliefs, et cetera. Other is related to both compassion and caring (healthy) and behaviors of co-dependence (destructive).

A major airline currently incorporates attention sort in their hiring process.

Part of the hiring process for flight attendants is to prepare a 3-minute presentation about themselves that will be given to a room full of other applicants… and this is a very large audience.

The applicants believe that they are being judged on their presentation and speaking skills as well as their feelings of comfort in front of a group of people.

NO! That is not what is being judged!

The company is watching the audience members. They are watching to see which audience members are focused on the presenter in the front of the room and not on going over their own material.

Why?

Because the airline wants their flight attendants to watch and attend to the needs of the passengers… not themselves.

What types of humans do you want in different areas of your life? Attention sort allows you to quickly discover if your conversation partner is someone you would like to spend a lot of time with or run the other way instead.

FIVE

Relationship Sort

Is your conversation partner a matcher or mismatcher?

Humans tend to see the sameness in things or the differences in things.

For example, if I put a nickel, a dime, and a quarter on the table; what is the relationship?

Some humans will say that they are all coins. Those people would be matchers.

Others would say that they are all different amounts. Those people would be mismatchers.

In a normal conversation, simply asking what the relationship of _____ is will give you a good idea of your conversation partner’s relationship sort.

Some humans can be a combination… “Well, they’re all coins, but they’re different amounts.” OR “Well, they’re all different amounts, but they’re all coins.

Listen for each of the four classifications… 

• Sameness

• Difference

• Sameness with exception

• Difference with exception

After discovering your conversation partner’s preference, use it.

For example, suppose you are influencing a partner to begin a new project. All of these statements are referring to the exact same project, but they are talking to different relationship sort styles…  

• If you find that your conversation partner is operating out of sameness; then you may say something like, “This is very similar to the project that we took on about a year ago, and it worked out very well. Let’s go ahead and do this.”

• If you find that your conversation partner is operating out of difference; then you may say something like, “This is something very different than anything we’ve ever done before, and it is an exciting time to take this sort of project on. Let’s go ahead and do this.”

• If you find that your conversation partner is operating out of sameness with exception; then you may say something like, “This is similar to the project that we took on about a year ago, but it is different in its design and purpose. Let’s go ahead and do this.”

• If you find that your conversation partner is operating out of difference with exception; then you may say something like, “This is something different than anything we’ve done before, but it looks to be a hit like our project about a year ago. Let’s go ahead and do this.”

SIX

Convincer

How is your conversation partner convinced?

This is a very simple, yet very powerful, meta program. It has two parts.

Part number one, does your conversation partner need to see someone do it, hear about someone doing it, actually do it with someone, or read about someone doing it?

For example, you could ask, “How do you know when someone is good at what he does?”

Does your conversation partner need to see, hear, do, or read to determine if someone is good at what he does?

Part number two, how often does your conversation partner need to be convinced?

Does your conversation partner… 

1. Immediately know that someone is good by just one demonstration?

2. Need a number of demonstrations (two or more) to know that someone is good?

3. Need a period of time (like two weeks, three months, a year) to know that someone is good?

4. Need consistent proof that someone is good?

This meta program gives you a plan for influencing your conversation partner. You know in advance what has to be done to influence each human, and you keep from becoming frustrated with someone who consistently needs to be reminded.

You now have what I consider the six main meta programs.

Use them together to enter your conversation partner’s world, and communicate with your conversation partner using their own meta programs.

Your influence over others will increase exponentially.

I have posted the checklist that I use with my coaching clients when determining from which meta programs a client is operating. You can view this checklist online and download it for your own reference.

To view and download my Meta Programs Checklist, go to… https://bit.ly/3dWyVZ3