Get a Life
When people find out that I am a dating consultant, I get all sorts of questions. The question that I get asked most often is, “How did you get into that?”
My answer… I got into it because I was really, really, really, really bad at approaching women, starting and holding conversations, and asking a woman to go on a date with me. The thought of walking up to a woman who I found attractive fired off a string of feelings ranging from extreme fear to overwhelming anxiety to throwing up. My only experience with dating was asking a friend in high school if he would find out if a girl would go to a dance with me.
I realized that I had to get control of this area of my life or things were going to continue to be really, really, really, really bad; so I started to consume every book, class, lecture, audio series, and video program on dating that I could find. I would learn one technique or skill and immediately go out and put it into action until I was comfortable doing it, and then I went on to the next.
The first thing I learned in my studies was that when I saw a woman that I wanted to talk to I should walk up to her within three seconds. By committing to this, my mind did not have a chance to run all of the scenarios through my head of things going wrong. Of course, I did not know what to say after I was standing in front of her, but it did solve the problem of my mind psyching the rest of my body out before I could even get started.
The dialogue typically started with me saying, “Hi, my name is Bill. I learned in a book that if I notice a woman that I want to talk to, I should walk up to her within three seconds. So, here I am.”
I had not learned the next step yet.
Most of the time, there was a lot of uncomfortable silence. Sometimes, we had an awkward conversation.
It only took two weeks before I was able to confidently walk up to any woman, but I had to figure out the next step… What the hell do I talk about after I am standing in front of her? Do I ask her what she likes to do? Do I find out where she is from? Do I ask, “Do you come here often?”
And then I had a lightbulb moment. I needed to get a life!
The places where I was walking up to these women were completely random. Sometimes it would be at a grocery store, the next day at the post office, and then at a bar. Because these venues had no specific context, it was a challenge at the beginning for me to figure out what I should open with. I decided to find venues that worked in my favor.
I researched local events that interested me, I put them on my calendar, and I committed myself to attending each event either by purchasing a ticket or RSVPing. (See my article titled “What Your Dad Never Taught You” for a more detailed explanation.) I was attending four to five events every week where everyone in the room had a common denominator… They all had an interest in the event.
Now when I walked up to a woman, it was simple to open an intelligent conversation and keep it going. All I had to do was say something about the event or ask a question related to what was going on.
I got a life, and you must do this as well.
This brings us back to the beginning of this article.
The second most popular question that people ask me when they learn that I am a dating consultant is, “Where can I find women who like to do the things that I like to do?”
The formula…
Do the things that you like to do = Meeting women who like to do what you like
When you are doing the things that you like to do, you will meet people with similar interests, values, beliefs, and goals. For example, if you like attending events at the local science museum, then commit to attending these events. This takes the chance and guesswork out of meeting someone with whom you have something in common.
I recommend opening an account with Meetup (Meetup.com). This is the service that I used, and it is still popular today. Don’t know about Meetup?... It is a service used to organize online groups that host in-person events for people with similar interests. After opening your free account, you can search for topics in which you have an interest, join groups with like-minded members, and RSVP to upcoming events.
Get out and have fun doing things that you like to do.