Forgiveness often gets tossed around like a cheap motivational slogan—just forgive and forget, they say. But is it really that simple? Let’s dig into whether forgiving someone is for your own peace of mind or if it’s for the human you're forgiving.

Forgiveness is about letting go of resentment and grudges. Mental healthcare professionals emphasize that holding onto anger and bitterness can harm your mental and physical health. The Mayo Clinic states forgiveness can lead to healthier relationships, better mental health, less anxiety, stress, and hostility, lower blood pressure, and a stronger immune system. So, from a self-interested perspective, forgiving someone offers significant benefits.

But let’s consider personal experience. My parents abandoned my sister and me when I was ten and she was four. We were left to fend for ourselves, emotionally if not physically. I didn’t see my mother for nearly twenty years and my father only a handful of times. Despite this, I’ve forgiven both of them. My father and I have managed to build a relationship, but my mother still doesn’t speak to me. And you know what? That’s okay. Forgiving her wasn't about getting her to change or come back into my life. It was about me finding peace with my past.

This brings us to a crucial aspect of forgiveness: control. You can't control other humans' actions or responses. Forgiving someone doesn't mean they will apologize or change their behavior. It means you’re choosing to move past the hurt they caused. When I forgave my mother, I released myself from the emotional burden of her abandonment. Whether she decides to reach out or not is beyond my control. What I can control is how I let her actions affect my present and future.

So, is forgiving someone for you or the human you are forgiving? The simple answer is that it’s primarily for you. It’s about reclaiming your power and agency over your emotions and life. By forgiving, you’re not condoning the harmful actions or forgetting the pain they caused. Instead, you're acknowledging the hurt and choosing not to let it dictate your emotional well-being.

To illustrate further, let’s consider a common scenario: a friend betrays your trust. The immediate reaction is anger and hurt. You might want to cut them out of your life entirely. But carrying that grudge can affect your future relationships. By forgiving your friend, you’re not saying what they did was okay. You’re simply saying that you won’t let their betrayal turn you into a bitter human. You’re freeing yourself from the emotional chains of their actions.

From a psychological standpoint, forgiveness is linked to emotional intelligence. It involves self-awareness, self-regulation, and empathy. High emotional intelligence allows humans to navigate complex interpersonal dynamics more effectively, fostering resilience and personal growth. By forgiving, you're exercising these emotional muscles, enhancing your overall emotional well-being.

However, it's crucial to differentiate forgiveness from reconciliation. Forgiveness is an internal process; reconciliation involves rebuilding trust and repairing a relationship. You can forgive someone without reconciling with them. In my case, forgiving my mother didn’t require her to be part of my life again. It was about me letting go of the pain and anger tied to her abandonment.

Forgiveness is hard. It requires confronting painful emotions and letting go of the desire for revenge or justice. But in doing so, you reclaim your peace and freedom. You stop allowing the actions of others to control your emotional state.

Forgiveness is a powerful tool for personal liberation. It’s an act of self-love and self-care, allowing you to heal and move forward. While it might seem like a gift to the human who wronged you, it’s fundamentally a gift to yourself. By forgiving, you’re choosing peace over pain, growth over grudges, and freedom over emotional captivity. So, the next time you ponder whether to forgive, remember—you’re doing it for you.