Develop Rapport… The Right Way
You are about to learn one of the most important tools used to influence other people. Perhaps, the most important tool.
Remember the last time you were sitting with a friend doing whatever it is that you do with your friends, and they yawned. What happened?
Most likely, you yawned too.
You may have even said, “Stop yawning, because you’re gonna make me yawn.”
How can someone make you yawn? Why is that a common occurrence with virtually everyone on the planet?
It is as if you felt some kind of connection with this other person. Almost as if you were in sync.
And it does not even have to be a friend. It could be someone you just met on the subway, sat next to at a bar, or even saw on television.
Really think about that time, and ask yourself what it was that made you feel so in sync with that other person.
Maybe you discovered that you had common interests with this other person.
Perhaps you had a similar accent or other speech pattern.
Did you come from the same hometown, the same school, or even the same neighborhood?
Your beliefs about different things may have been the same.
It does not matter what it was; it comes down to the most important skill used to influence other people...
Rapport
I know what you are thinking... “Not another lesson on rapport!”
I understand! Rapport has been so overdone, but it has been overdone incorrectly.
If you skip over this lesson, because “you’ve heard it all”; you will miss out on what others have never taught you.
I find that most people have heard the term rapport at some point. It is tossed around a lot in business and sales circles. Virtually every sales trainer I have heard speak touts the importance of building rapport first.
Here are two very simple yet very effective rules that I use to create rapport:
When two people are like each other, they tend to like each other.
Imagine the person you are speaking with is the most fascinating person in the world.
Rapport is the ability to see the world as your subject sees the world, to give him the realization that you understand him, and to build such a strong bond with him that he willingly wants to follow your suggestions.
Earn their trust, Create a bond, and Direct their thoughts!
Opposites Attract... BS!
How many times have you heard that “opposites attract”?
Opposites do not attract! They do add more excitement and uncertainty to each other’s lives. Maybe that is the draw.
Think about it! Do you really want to spend time with someone with whom you have nothing in common? Is it fun to disagree about everything? What if they want to vacation in Alaska and you love Hawaii?
It does not seem like a good match, does it? Not at all!
You want to be with people who are like you!
You do not hang out at a comic book convention if you are not into comic books, do you?
So, how do you create rapport with someone?
There are a lot of ways to create rapport with someone, but it comes down to creating things in common. That is right... I said “creating”.
Most people attempt to create rapport with others by finding things in common. You will hear things like...
“What’s your sign?”
“Is that your trophy? I play softball also!”
“Oh, really? I love Hawaii, too!”
“So, what do you do?”
“Where did you grow up?”
How many stock phrases can you come up with that you use on a regular basis?
Now, let me ask you this... Whoever said that you have to find things in common through the exchange of words and information?
What you really want is the emotional state of rapport... of feeling in sync with your subject.
Studies have shown that the communication of emotional states can be broken down into three components: words, voice quality, and body language.
7% of communication is done with words.
38% of communication is done with voice quality.
55% of communication is done with body language.
That means that most of what you are communicating is NOT coming out of your mouth. Surprised?
Didn’t your parents just have a “look”? I mean, when you got this “look”, you knew you had better do what they said. It wasn’t about the words; it was about “the look”. Perhaps, it was the way that they said it that alerted you that they meant business.
Let me give you another example... Two people can tell the same joke with exactly the same words yet get different reactions. Why?
It is more about your voice quality and your body language as you deliver the joke and less about the words.
Great comedians can take a story that is not funny and make it funny just by their delivery.
By only focusing on words and verbal information, you are ignoring the largest way to gain rapport with your subject.
It is much quicker and more effective to gain rapport with your subject through body language and your voice.
You can gain a very strong state of rapport by mirroring (copying) their breathing rate, their posture, their gestures, their tone of voice, the speed at which they speak, etc...
And you can create this connection within minutes and even seconds without your subject’s conscious awareness.
Body language and voice qualities speak to your subject’s unconscious mind... the part of the mind that you want to direct.
Words speak to your subject’s conscious mind, and they actually keep the conscious mind busy while you direct their unconscious mind. When mirroring body language and voice qualities, your subject’s unconscious mind begins to think, “This person is just like me. I like him.”
As soon as that happens, a bond is created that grows stronger and stronger until you choose to break it... if you should ever want. (And there are times that you will.)
Your subject is not even aware of what is going on, because you are relating to his unconscious.
While your subject may know about rapport, he most likely only knows about creating it through words; and you are secretly building the bond without his conscious knowledge.
Here is a list of body language and voice qualities that you can mirror. This is not a comprehensive list, but it will give you a good start...
Breathing
Head Position
Facial Movements
Gestures
Posture
Eyebrow Movements
Weight Shifts
Foot Movement and Position
Eye Contact
Loudness of Speech
Pitch of Voice
Tone of Voice
Rate of Speech
Remember, anything you can physically mirror will work.
In my seminars, we conduct a mirroring experiment. Feel free to find a couple of friends, and experiment on your own.
This experiment requires three people. We will call them A, B, and C.
Person A thinks of a powerful memory. A memory that holds deep emotion. For the purposes of this experiment, find a positive memory.
Person A keeps this memory a secret, but he fully associates with this memory. In other words, he re-experiences this memory as if he was actually there by seeing what he saw, hearing what he heard, and feeling what he felt. (If there are any smells or tastes, experience those also.)
Person A stays in that memory and moves his body or sits or stands in the same posture as if he was actually experiencing the original event.
Person B mirrors everything that he can observe about Person A’s body language. (Refer to the list above for ideas.)
Person C assists Person B by helping him assume the same posture and/or movements as Person A.
Do this for five minutes.
At the end of five minutes, ask Person B what emotion(s) he is feeling.
Ask Person A what emotion(s) he is feeling.
Ask Person B what he is thinking about.
Ask Person A what the memory was.
When doing this experiment in my boot camps, Person B can name the emotion(s) that Person A is experiencing with 95% accuracy.
Even more amazing, Person B can describe Person A’s memory with 75% accuracy BEFORE Person A reveals what he was thinking about.
What would it be like if you could do this with any subject you choose? … You can!
Develop your ability to observe, and be flexible enough to mirror your subject.
Now, you need to find subjects and practice.
I am giving you a mission...
Purposely create rapport with everyone possible.
Use body language and voice qualities instead of only words.
Your ultimate goal is to get someone (ideally, a complete stranger) to say something like, “It feels like I have known you forever” or “I don’t know what it is, but I just enjoy being around you” or “I feel so comfortable talking to you”.